This week has turned sour within a day’s time, as if my cerebellum were knocked off course by the asteroid of uncertainty. When this has happened in the past, I usually take the same course of action as I have today: sever all connections to academia swiftly and spend the rest of the day in a laden stupor. As of last night, I made the biggest decision this semester yet, by choosing to move back home.
The problem with this last stretch of school left is that it’s so easy to falter and give up, taking a consolation prize of an incomplete or a lowly E for effort when you know that you could have gone on to best the class. When not giving your full potential to the class, you get stuck with a thickening remorse swirling around a deep seeded feeling of regret. This god awful training ground of a class has so far consistently beaten me down because I continue to stop progress and hide behind videogames or movies or tv series to mask my fear of failure. To put so much effort into something and end up failing, I just can’t deal with that. By believing that I am just not using my full potential, I can continue to slump off with each new assignment and challenge, safely securing my ego behind a thick barrier of self-pity.
There’s a vicious cycle that’s perpetuating here and I know the reason behind it all. It’s not the laziness, it’s not the self-doubt, it’s the quest for perfection that inevitably sends people to their doom. It’s for this very reason that I am still in the J-school. To learn how to write consistently good pieces of writing so that I can someday take it to a magazine. But as long as I have this pressure that I put on myself for trying to be the best, I will continue to build everything up to the point where it’s unconquerable and unattainable. Kara pointed this out to me within less than three months of our relationship and it continues to haunt me to this very day.
What I need is help, what I need is change, what I need is absolution from this horrible sin that’s blocked my potential from becoming professional skill. I don’t care how I get to this point, I just need it to happen and happen soon. I know the problem, read about the problem, but I just don’t know how to stop relaying it in my mind over and over again with every single obstacle or challenge that comes my way. From washing my clothes to completing a nine page report, each one is on the same level for me when I make an attempt.