Far from content with the current path I'm walking these days, I feel an absolute need to vent in any way, form or means necessary. At the present moment, I'm being reminded why I really enjoy a good noisy raucous, so this one goes out to the group Lightning Bolt, to which I'm currently blaring in my ear drums. Thank you and may I never forget just why you indeed rock so hard. These are harsh, crazy times for me and I'm not getting any older. What better to help ease the burden of unheeded responsibilty that's squaring off against my untarnished reputation for self-destruction.
Oh yeah, I should probably mention that at some point or another for my penchant to screw up whatever hopes I have for myself down the line in the near moments or years to come. Why this is I still have yet to solve. The only theory I have so far is that I just enjoy setting myself up for failure, as if my sub-conscious gets off on seeing my conscious dreams dashed, my hopes squandered. Who knows?
And yet, this can't continue on for too much longer. There's just not enough life left for me to mess with before I truly do rid myself of any hope to escape Kansas. Yes, above everything else in my mind is that singular desire which I desperately continue to believe is just destiny waiting to be fulfilled. Wow, this post just may be what I needed to re-direct my reasons for trying this semester. I feel that I focus on a goal that's not only achievable but also something that I've been wanting if not needed, then I will have found the key to unlock the door behind which lies my vast amount of potential. Waiting, wanting, my potential is exponential to my ability to shut it off from ever enabling me to truly accomplish my dreams.
This is where a therapist steps in and tells me what I need to do. But then, my older brother would say "Just Do It." Wait, my older brother is a Nike slogan? Hmmm...simple enough and yet forever unreachable. This simplistic ethos is something of a mystery for my mind to wrap around and so will continue to haunt me from the rafters, laughing unremittingly and inappreciatively until my mind can take no more. At this point, I believe, my mind would surely die out and collapse into a dark star of grief and sorrow, emerging only as the phoenix of regret to take shape as the new and improved...me.
Until then, here's me. Waiting.